Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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