I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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