Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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