when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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