I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
