Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
