I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
