dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
