shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
