Me. At least after what I've been through.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
