Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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