I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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