I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
