I should be sponsored by Trojan
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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