Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
