Got a toothbrush?
My friends, they love my intelligence
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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