These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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