Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
