Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
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