I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
