Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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