Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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