do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
