grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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