I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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