and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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