we have officially lost it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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