I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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