Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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