I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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