The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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