Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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