I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
