There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize