So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
