Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
