An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
