UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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