he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
