i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I didn't notice because vodka
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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