So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize