I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
