Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
