bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
