Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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