I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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