I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
