Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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