she woke up with a sticky ear
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
