I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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