We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
