sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
