Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Found your dick twin last night
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
