True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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