she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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