Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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