mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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