remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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