I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
