Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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