Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
