she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
