so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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