Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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