i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
